Mental Health is Hard

I am sure that this is not the first mental health blog post that you have ever seen, and I gaurntee that it won't be the last, but today I wanted to touch on something different than my normal fashion and lifestyle. Let me rewind a bit for you.

Today I facetimed my sister and we had a conversation about... well me. This is different seeing as I talk to my sister pretty much everyday and we talk through my "problems" most of the time. However, this was the first time I talked to my sister in almost a week. We had an argument to where it caused us to not speak due to differences in how I was handling and working through my problems. Today as I was telling her the rest of what was going on she was very honest with me, as she usually is and she told me she feels as if I am in a spout of depression.... and that really struck something in me.

I have been a very anxious person for as long as I can remember. This time last year I was miserable where I was working. Six months ago I found a new job that seemed to be a struggle from the moment I got it, but I have been sticking with it. From pretty much the time I started working there I felt out of place where people would pinpoint and be mean to me on purpose. I could never really figure out why. Now I am dealing with the same issue, but with management. I go to work, I do my job... really well for that matter and I don't really understand what circumstances are causing the lack of favor on my end. I am not one who hides my emotions well and when I am unhappy with something as big as my everyday job it really effects my life outside of work.

For the last 7-10 months I have been more anxious and stressed than I can remember. It is very hard for me to speak outwardly about because I am so embarrassed. Not embarrassed by the fact that I am going through this but the fact that I can't seem to get over it or overcome it I should say. I am not unhappy all day everyday, but it is constantly in the back of my mind that I am disliked, and being liked does affect me greatly as much as I wish it didn't.

Not being happy in my work life has caused me to be unhappy in pretty much every aspect of my life outside, such as my relationship with my boyfriend. I lash out and can't handle my emotions or any conversation without crying and getting upset. I have gained weight because I don't want to leave the house and haven't been treating my body the way it deserves to be treated. I have stopped going to therapy. I don't talk with my close friends and ignore their texts. I have been very distant with my parents and ignore their calls because I can't fake being happy on the phone with them and I don't want to answer their questions because I am worried they won't understand and being lectured is the last thing I want. I hide in my room when my roommate comes home hoping she can't hear me because I don't want to interact with someone. I have been extremely uninspired to the point where I have not written and produced content for anything that I am passionate about in months.

I have been trying to make excuses for my job especially with my sister who can see straight through my BS. I get paid decent, I finally have weekends off, I can take time off easily, but I am disliked for reasons I can't understand. I wish I could get over that one issue to be happy there, but it is like I am walking on thin ice constantly and I notice others who are well liked by management doing things with no issue when I had done them a week before to where I was reprimanded. I don't think that this is the only problem that is causing this overwhelming unhappiness within me, but for me it is the most obvious and present in my life.

I am not sure where to go from here. I have been looking for new and more fulfilling jobs that I have real interest in, but I'm afraid. I am seeking new employment to find something more fulfilling and fair really. It is a weird feeling because it feels like I am letting them win, but I know there is really no competition. I think my first real step is going back to therapy which has really helped me in the past. I also think that forcing myself to do things that I once enjoyed like making videos, photography, writing, hiking and what used to make me happy will be a great start for me.

I thought that this was important to share seeing as I know I am not the only one going through struggles like this. Working through mental health is a constant thing and it has to be something that is a priority. Thank you to everyone who read this far and has been supporting me throughout this despite not knowing what the real problems have been. I love you.

xx,

Ryann